Part One: What is The Anxiety Abyss?
In my mind, it is the darkest of black holes created by grief. It comes alive though and it manifests and personifies itself to be identified as anxiety. It is a pathological liar and the undeniable truth fused together in the same vessel and then using its mischievous and almost clever abilities, it slithers out. It seems slow but it is actually being unleashed like a wild animal.
I have told Brody's story so many times, that it almost feels unreal. I have written the details of him being born and sleeping in blogs, Facebook posts, letters, articles, etc... I can hear my own words when I speak them: "8 months, placental abruption, blood clot, clotting disorder, ambulance ride, almost bleed to death, an unusually small casket". I can hear all the words, and honestly, almost 13 years later, they kinda just echo in the back of my mind along with the flashbacks. It is second nature to me now. I can tell the story without crying. I can get through seeing the tears in the listener's eyes and even comfort them. I can do all the things that make others consider me strong. What I haven't done, is share how much losing Brody has drastically affected my parenting, my anxiety, and my ability to feel!
On a day to day, everything is amazing. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together for almost 17. We have a son, Isaac, who is so cool! He is not your typical ten-year-old, that’s for certain. He is an old soul that feels everything and well, he gets that pretty honestly.
Being pregnant with Isaac was one of the most beautiful and horrifying events of my life. I can just assume that pregnancy after any loss is full of emotions. I mean, pregnancy in general is emotional but then having not only the fear of what could potentially happen but also the memory of what DID is like a nightmare that ends in the best dream you've ever had.
Without diving too deep into the loss itself, because that is a different story entirely, I developed a blood clotting disorder or I had an existing one that I was unaware of. All of my appointments had been great up until August 21. I was approximately 8 months along in the pregnancy. I woke up with a pain that I simply cannot describe in words. My placenta had abrupted and at that point consisted of numerous blood clots. When I arrived at the hospital, there was no heartbeat and then pretty quickly, the concern turned to me and my life.
I obviously survived and that is another story for another time. I could actually write an entire book about the magical things that started happening in our lives after we lost Brody.
After finding out that we were in fact pregnant again, my first thought was that I hoped that it was a girl. I wanted everything to be completely different but mostly I just desperately wanted a baby that was breathing. One that I didn't have to bury, one that I didn’t have to mourn...not only his brief existence but the possibilities of his entire life. I remember looking at my husband after Isaac was delivered and mouthing to him, "he’s alive". It was a surreal moment. Our only experience of delivering a child up until that point had not been a joyous one, to say the least. To summarize, it was a beautifully traumatizing experience that I wouldn’t wish on a single soul. It continues to be a memory that now feels like it is not even my own. When I start to re-live it within my mind, as a watcher hovering over my own body, I want to scream in anguish and weep for the souls that had to endure the pain...and then I remember it was us.
My obsession with Isaac's safety begins immediately. I completely understand that obsessing over a newborn's safety and well-being is considered "normal" for a mother, however, my obsession was heightened by the abyss. Within each second and during each event, my brain started to come up with an incredible amount of horrific scenarios that would inevitably lead to his death.
Here is where the Abyss gets messy...I could have wrapped him in bubble wrap and just held on to him for every second making sure he could never get hurt. That all seemed normal to me. The need to protect him, care for him, love him, and all of the things that were healthy BUT at the very same time, I felt anxious about loving him "too much". It became a cruel game of tug of war that the abyss played with my heart and mind. If the anxiety abyss were a virus, it was spreading quickly! It started to wrap my heart in a hardened shell and told me that I couldn't let myself get attached completely. I was so consumed by the tug-of-war game, I didn't know if I should obsess over him or not let myself love him with my whole heart and I didn't know where either of the two started or stopped.
After the course of several years buried in the Abyss, I completely lost myself! I was "Mom" and only "Mom". I was convinced that is the way that it had to be! "Tia" was gone. Part of her died with Brody and the other parts slowly became completely devoured by the Anxiety Abyss.
My social anxiety became to resurface and my general anxiety became unbearable at times. I went through several medication changes but to no avail. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I let my physical and emotional well-being go completely. I was unhealthy and I didn’t even care to notice.
I would go so far as to say that I was living in a constant panic attack. A continuous, severe, and wretched panic attack. From the moment I opened my eyes to the moment I shut them again at night.
Last year, I turned 40 and Isaac turned 10. His progressing independence left me gasping for air. I was hyperventilating and the walls were closing in on me furiously. If "Mom" is everything that I am, how could I even survive by giving him the independence that I knew he needed? I felt as if the last ten years of solidity that I was holding in the palms of my hands, had instantly turned to liquid and I couldn't keep a hold of it any longer. What on earth was I supposed to do if I couldn't and didn't have to do everything for him?
I had no choice but to start looking for myself again and to try to figure out if I could be that person again and continue to be "Mom" simultaneously. Thus became the beginnings of Leo & Grace. I was climbing out of the Anxiety Abyss and it was not an easy adventure! I mean, I wasn't looking for a utopia or anything but I could see Peacefulness and some version of Tranquility and I knew the only road there was through giving myself Grace!